SORRY, I’M SORRY… no, really!
A recent phone argument with my dad which resulted in him yelling at me, hanging up and then a lame attempt at an apology leading me to learn how to make a true apology.
A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I'm sorry, but …”). “But” automatically cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions - and not on the other person's response. I did not know this, but there’s four steps to a correct and sincere apology. Here goes…
Acknowledge the offending behavior. Use “I” statements. I’m sorry I didn’t show up for our date. I’m sorry I didn’t pay you back. Etc.
Show how the behavior was hurtful, and express remorse. Don’t say how the other person’s behavior contributed to the problem. This is less than sincere.
Make amends. Tell the person what you’ll do to make things right. Even better, ask the other person what he or she would like from you.
Promise that the offending behavior will not happen again.
If you want to read more (like tips on how to apologize) click here.
Many thanks to Anne Brandt for the research.